“Is it a coincidence that today is 30th of September 2011, and that I will make this decision?” thought Faith.
A year earlier, Faith grabbed a marker out of the drawer, pinned a big paper on her wall and wrote:
“I will move on
I will be fine
I will have a much better life
I will have a great future
I will forget u
I will be happy without u
I will be very strong
My life will be very healthy
You will be of no value to me
I will be a famous person
I am going to heal and smile again
I will find myself and be the best”
She signed her name -“Faith” – and wrote the date 30/09/2010.
The moment she wrote that on the wall was the moment she took the first step towards moving on. It wasn’t easy. How could it be? She had no idea who she was at that time. She was nothing more than leftovers of herself. Could barely speak, smile, feel pain & hardly recognize herself in the mirror.
“I don’t think I will ever struggle again as much as I did that time. To come out of the dark room was the most difficult phase in my life. That room, where I had horrible pain lying on the floor. The hours spent crawling instead of walking. Humiliation in front of people. Those days where I appreciated the blessing that God gave us two legs to walk on, rather than on four. I thank you God for this dignity you gave me which I never realized how great it is.. I really do,” cried Faith, raising her head to the sky and wiping away her tears.
“I suffered a lot you know, physically and mentally. The screaming nights in the hospital. Insanity? It was all around me… so terrifying that I could not even shed a single tear. Loneliness? What can I say other than I understood its true definition. Friends? I’m not sure they exist. Family? I lost them all. Betrayal? That is the ape I will carry on my shoulder hoping that one day, revenge will put out the fire inside of me. And how will I have that?” she continued, with a very weary heart.
She never skipped a prayer to ask God for vengeance while crying her heart out. Never skipped a night without crying in bed, knowing that she will never forgive the betrayal.
Faith was a very strong person. Everyone believed she will stand up on her feet and be normal again. There was no doubt about it.
And yes, Faith did. Whatever she wrote on her wall came true. She moved on in life, was perfectly fine, and her future grew as anticipated. She forgot, she was happy, became way stronger, and had a really healthy life. Nothing could be of more value to her than her life. She didn’t become famous yet… but she healed well and smiled all the time. She found her true self and became the best that she could be.
But… the ape was always there on her back. She carried him wherever she went. Most of the days, she didn’t feel his burden wearing her down, but other days she could feel him taking a blunt knife and slowly stab it into her back.
Faith would always remember the betrayal, the dark room, the horrifying nights she went through, the hatred she carried to her bed, the continuous questions of why and what if? The ache inside her was able to put her to bed and make her motionless.
Faith was aware she was holding on to the ape… not the ape holding on to her. She just can’t let go of the ape. He is the one who will bring her great happiness of revenge. When? She doesn’t know when, but she’d always wait for it. And because she knew and was sure that God was “the Just” and “Al Jabbaar”, she didn’t mind to wait forever.
To be continued…